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| Rip Valentinian I, He died the most based death in human history |
When it comes to the death of Roman emperors, there is no lack of variety. From the gruesome deaths of emperors such as Valerian, who was said to have had molten gold poured down his throat, to Carus, who was said to have been stuck by lightning while resting in his tent. However, in my opinion, none of these deaths are as interesting and amusing as the death of emperor Valentinian I, who, during an especially intense tirade with barbarian diplomats, passed out and soon was pronounced dead by a stroke.
By the late 4th century, the Romans had quite a history dealing with the barbarian tribes beyond the Rhine and the Danube. At the time, one of these tribes, the Quadi, had resolved to engage in diplomacy with the Roman over the issue of Roman forts being constructed in their territory. The Roman, under Valentinian, seeking to secure their border to a greater extent (extending upon the new border defense system created by Diocletian and Constantine in years prior) had constructed garrison posts stretching outside their established borders. However, this had struck a nerve with many of the tribes living in these areas, seeing these fortifications has an encroachment upon their territory.
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| Pannonia in the 2nd century |
And so, in 374, a group of Quadi ambassadors, along with their king Gabinius, arrived for a meeting with the Roman commander in the region, Marcellianus. However, to everyone’s surprise, Marcellianus murdered the entire band of ambassadors.
In response to this, the Quadi, rightfully pissed off, marched into Moesia, and although they were unable to really put any cities under siege, they ravaged the countryside. The Roman response to this was mixed, with some attempts been deflected by the barbarians, and others successfully routing the enemy.
Later, when Valentinian found out about the attacks, personally met with a few more ambassadors, and promised to investigate the issue to determine who was at fault. To nobody’s surprise, Valentinian determined that of course he could not blame an honorable fellow Roma. So, he placed the blame squarely on the shoulders of the Quadi, punishing them accordingly by spending the summer of the next year campaigning in their lands, supposedly slaughtering all that they came across.
Later, in November, the Quadi would come, this time to beg forgiveness – or so they claimed.
The night before the 17th of November 375, it was said that Valentinian dreamed that “he saw his own wife, then in Gaul, dishevelled and in mourning.” Perhaps even more ominously, when he attempted to mount his horse in the morning to meet the Quadi, the horse refused to mounted.
For this, Valentinian had the hands of the stable boy chopped off.
Upon arriving and meeting with the barbarians, the Quadi immediately began grovelling at the feet of the emperor, pleading for forgiveness and promising recruits for the Roman army.
However, they then began, to the emperor's great disdain, discussing the issue of Valentinian’s punitive campaign, aiming their accusations at Marcellianus; they argued that they were justified in raiding Roman lands because of the forts which were constructed in their rightful land; and they mentioned that though they have agreed to supply recruits to the Romans, they cannot hold responsible other Quadi tribes, not affiliated with them.Gold Solidus of Valens, Antioch, Syria, 364–367
In response to this, the emperor began violently berating the envoys, hurling verbal abuse after verbal abuse at the insolent barbarians, until –
Having been struck by stroke during his verbal rampage, the emperor suddenly fell over and began to choke.
He was immediately brought out of sight of the envoys, and despite concerted attempted to save him, he was too far gone. Emperor Valentinian had died of a fatal stroke while reprimanding the impudent delegation.
Actually, I wonder what happened to them.
Come to think of it, probably nothing too great.
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